Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He passed out mid-signature
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
