so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
