When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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