he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
