Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
