Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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