Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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