GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
