The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
