im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
