hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
