1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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