Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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