I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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