you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
