thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
