Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off