you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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