I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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