i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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