I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
