The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
