I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
