so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
