just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?