I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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