I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
