It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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