Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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