i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
