I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
