hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
