I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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