i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
there's paper in my vomit.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
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I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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