I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
where am i from again
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
