There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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