My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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