I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
