I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
