Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
