I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
