I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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