in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
