Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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