News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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