When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
