You're my little dorito
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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