Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just threw up on my dentist
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
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