A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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