when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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