i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
