ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
