ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
