My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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