I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
