We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
