The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
