whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
