Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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