If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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