hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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